Friday, October 30, 2009

have story, will write

I made a decision to write a book. I thought about it long and hard, and I decided that what I have to say might be interesting enough for others to read.

The book will be centered around my relationship with Anil, and more specifically, what we went through because of his family. It is probably a better material for a Bollywood/Hollywood movie rather than a book, but you have to start somewhere. And right now it seems more feasible to me to write a book rather than a screenplay (as I have no experience with writing screenplays).

The initial idea that I should write a book came from Anil around May this year when we got hit by the news that his mother was absolutely unhappy about us being together and would do ANYTHING to separate us. Since then he repeatedly encouraged me to write our story down. I used to laugh about it and I was dismissing the idea by claiming that it should be he who would write it down as he was the one that had to deal on almost daily basis with his mother.

After two weeks spent with Anil's family I feel I experienced enough to be able to competently (and entertainingly) write the story myself. You would just not believe what I went through. And survived. With dignity even. If there is a hell, this is exactly how it must look like - constant emotional turmoil and abuse.

The other argument that I should be the one that will be writing the story is that I will make it have a happy (Hollywood-style) ending. Even though real life is not about happy endings.

The fact that I am writing this post and I am ready to write a book and laugh about it, should tell you that I am completely emotionally detached from the situation, fully recovered and ready to move on. Thanks for all the support I got in meantime. You are the best friends ever.

naughty so naughty

I'm in dangerously crazy mood: Today I'm Monika that all of you love :)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Mt Woodson hike

On the second day of my stay in San Diego Bartek and I went for a hike to the top of Mt Woodson. It was a relatively challenging hike (6.4 miles/10 km long) with a total elevation gain of around 2'ooo ft (650m). What made it really challenging for me was that I was attempting it on day 8 of my fast... But I made it and I am very happy about that. It's good to know that if I ever get stuck or lost somewhere in the mountains, I still will be able to hike for a few days without providing any food to my body.

The hike starts at the Lake Poway:

Bartek on the way up:

There are great views from the trail into all directions:

Top of Mt Woodson does not look too attractive though...

Just near the top of the mountain there is this awesome rock formation, often referred to as "surfer's board":

Torrey Pines State Reserve

During my last visit to San Diego at the beginning of October, Bartek and I went hiking in Torrey Pines State Reserve. There are many short trails within this park (see map) and I believe we managed to cover almost all of them during a single afternoon.

The park is definitely worth a visit. It is very beautiful and relaxing, and, surprisingly, not overly crowded even on a weekend.

Bartek on a trail:

Beautiful California coast:

A Torrey Pine tree:

Interesting rock formation:

Fall in Yosemite

I have been to Yosemite NP three times this year: first time with Anil on the Memorial Day Weekend, second time again with Anil and my parents at the end of July and third time just now, at the end of October. My very first visit to Yosemite NP was in September of 2007 with Ania and Molly: link.

Seeing the park during several different times of the year I have to conclude that the best time to visit is late fall (end of September - mid of November) as the weather is still good then and the number of tourists falls down drastically. Early spring might be a good time to visit the Yosemite Valley, but the rest of the park will most likely be not passable then yet because of the snow. If you decide to visit the park in the late fall it might be a good idea to sleep in a "heated and insulated tent" as we did it this time around, as nights get really cold. If you have a good sleeping bag then it might be still possible to sleep in your own tent.

Below are several photos taken during the last visit to Yosemite NP.

Bridalveil Falls:

Vernal Falls (much less water than at the end of July!):

Beautiful fall morning nearby our campground at Curry Village:

Upper Yosemite Fall:


Siesta Lake:

Half Dome and Monika (from North Dome trail):

Sunday, October 25, 2009

beautiful by carol king

song for today

You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes, you will
That you're beautiful as you feel

Waiting at the station with a workday wind a-blowing
I've got nothing to do but watch the passers-by
Mirrored in their faces I see frustration growing
And they don't see it showing, why do I?

You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes, you will
That you're beautiful as you feel

I have often asked myself the reason for sadness
In a world where tears are just a lullaby
If there's any answer, maybe love can end the madness
Maybe not, oh, but we can only try

You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes, you will
That you're beautiful as you feel

Thursday, October 22, 2009

toxic parents

NYT has a piece on the subject that became an important part of my life recently: dealing with toxic parents.

My own mother can be pretty bad at times, but she is really nothing compared to Anil's mother, who is by far the most abusive person that I have ever met in my life. Anil is a wonderful person and deserves all the happiness in the world, so it breaks my heart to see him sacrifice his life for his crazy (literally) mother. It also saddens me that I do not know how to help him. Sometimes life can be frustrating and unfair.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


On Saturday I have finished a 13-day-long fast. During that time I did not eat anything (except for medicine) and I was only drinking water and herbal teas.

There were several reasons why I was fasting:
  1. Spiritual: To show to the universe (God) dedication to my cause.
  2. Mental: I thought it would be a very good training of will power and that it would make me stronger: if I can live without food, I can live without anything else.
  3. Practical: I felt overfed in India and I wanted to let my body recover from that.

Initially I was not sure for how long I would be fasting and if I should be drinking water during the fast or not. After doing lots of Internet research, I decided that fast shorter than 7 days does not make any sense (from medical point of view), and that the best would be something between 10 to 14 days. Briefly I also considered trying not to drink anything for a day or two, but I gave up that idea quickly as in meantime I got pretty sick and the doctor told me that my body seemed severely dehydrated (even though I was making sure to drink plenty of water).

Not eating was surprisingly easy. I had no problem controlling hunger or appetite (if I felt them at all), the only problem was controlling acquired behaviors. At work we often have free snacks lying around and whenever I would be passing next to them my legs would start walking in their direction. I had to constantly remind myself that I was fasting and that even if I weren't, I still should not be eating food that I did not prepare myself.

During the first week of fasting my stomach and intestine were moving around a lot and, because of that, I was in a slight discomfort all the time. But during the second week that feeling of discomfort was gone and I felt perfectly fine. I think from then onwards food could stop existing for me. Actually, that was a bit scary. I realized how easy it would be to starve myself to death. (Unless there is a "starvation threshold" and if you cross it, your body starts to ask for food again. Right now, I have no intention of investigating this issue on myself.)

The most positive aspect of fasting was amount of time that I saved on not doing shopping, not cooking, not eating and not cleaning after cooking. I think I counted that in this way I saved around 15h a week! Also, I was happy not to generate any trash for two weeks.

The negative aspect of fasting was that during the second week I became very weak and I was not able to do any sports. However, I also got sick then, so I am not sure how much my weakness was a result of disease and how much of the fast. I am also not sure if my fasting contributed to the disease or not. Still, during the first week of fast I was completely fine and I was able to do as much sports as I wanted. So maybe a week long fast is the way to go in future.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

these days

I put 100% of my energy into surviving.
I am tired of explaining to everybody why I am not as cheerful as always.
I am tired of hearing that things will work out.
I am tired of hearing that nobody expected it and that it is not fair.
I feel like screaming, but somehow I can't. Maybe I am too old for that or maybe I simply do not have any energy left.
I am angry with myself for not being able to focus at work or anything else that is good and constructive (like reading book, or learning something new).
I am angry with myself for being afraid to be alone and obsessively filling in every single moment in my life with other people.
But I am extremely grateful for having so many wonderful friends who offer their love and support to me right now. Without you, I would be lost.
At the same time, I would like to meet some new happy cheerful people that will have no idea who I am and what's going on inside my heart and head. For one little moment I just want to forget all the problems and have some fun.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

I'm trying...

very hard not to listen to sad songs, but they still play in my head.

to do a lot of sports, but my body is too weak and endorphins do not kick in.

to see friends and be happy with their happiness, but at the end of the day the charm wears off.

not to look like a bitten puppy and smile back at people. (It's one of the life's most difficult roles, to have a smile on your face when your heart is breaking apart.)

to come up with a better plan for survival, but so far I did not manage to come up with anything that would work.

to find sense in life, but I do not think anybody knows it...